Nightmare in Valrhona
by nikkilittle
Summary: Cheshire is hanging out at the gnome village bar and hears about Alice's nightmare about one-eyed teapots.  Alternate Universe:  a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.


Nightmare in Valrhona

by Nikki Little

I really gotta stop spending so much time hanging out in the bar in the gnome village. Sometimes I think I hear things I'd be better off not knowing. I should just hang out in the Vale and do my cat thing of hunting snarks. For example, yesterday I was in the gnome bar and Alice showed up in the evening after her shift in Bill McGill's brewery. It seems the night before she had a nightmare and was telling Hatter, the Gnome Elder, Mr. White, and Arianne all about it.

"I was eighteen again and back in the middle of our civil war. Only this time everything was different. This time I was stuck in Hatter's castle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running circles around me. And I had to fight them with a pepper grinder! How on earth did such an idiot scenario pop into my head?"

Hatter suggested that perhaps Alice should stop eating chocolate before bedtime. All that caffeine, you know. He was also probably thinking about the calories, but fortunately he kept his mouth shut. For that moment.

"How could chocolate give me nightmares, Hatter? Anyway, being stuck with a bunch of Walt Disney's teapots is not exactly the worst of my fears. I'm just curious as to how such a ridiculous scenario could pop into my head."

"So being back in the civil war wasn't really the nightmare part?" Hatter took his hat off and scratched his head. He's actually got some hair now.

"Nope. The real part of the nightmare was that I was skinny and flat-chested again. You remember what I looked like when I was eighteen. I looked like Keri Russell in a size zero dress. In other words, I looked like a cancer patient."

"You did not look like a cancer patient," said Hatter. "You were quite lovely. I miss those days. Now you're so..." Hatter stopped short and bit his tongue as he slowly removed his boots from his mouth. Alice raised an eyebrow. I decided it was a good moment for me to go up to the counter and get brandy for everyone. Even me. I figured I was going to need it in a moment.

"I am not fat," said Alice. "You just like women who look like boys."

"Oh, hell!" I was thinking. Here we go again. These two fight like an old married couple. She's fat and he's a pervert. Around and around they go. I set the tray of glasses of brandy down at our table and knocked over the pot of hot tea for Hatter. Alice bent over to pick up the teapot and the backside of her dress split wide open with a rip that sounded like one of the Gnome Elder's farts. Alice jumped back into her chair with a look of utter mortification on her face.

"Alice," said Hatter, "you're fat. Admit it. Even your dress thinks you're fat. You need to lay off the chocolate at night. You need to lay off the chocolate, period."

Arianne had been sitting there quietly without a word. Now she finally spoke up. "Shut up, Hatter. Don't you know to keep still when a woman splits her dress?"

"Hatter," said Alice slowly, "it would be a source of great comfort to me if you thought I was too fat to fuck. Cheshire, get me some chocolate from the bar. They've got part of my stash under the counter."

I could contain myself no longer. "Alice, you just split your dress wide open and you're going to eat chocolate?"

"Pfffffft! Why not? The chocolate you got me is now so old it's getting stale. Eat it or toss it. When I get finished, I'm going to walk over to my seamstress and get measured so she can let out some of my dresses. Looks like I'm a size fourteen now."

"More like 14W," I said, eyeballing Alice's hips. Alice patted her right hip and gave me a come hither look. I hate it when she does that. Everytime she gives me one of those looks I have to make a trip under the bushes.

Hatter rolled his eyes. "No dieting?"

"Nope! If Sarah ever gets tired of you, I don't want to be the next object of your lust."

I brought Alice back the chocolate and she sat eating the entire bar slowly and licking the smear off her fingers. The Gnome Elder looked like he was going to faint. Mr. White gave me a sly look and whispered, "Another couple of weeks of this and she'll be ready for more nude portraits!"

I looked at the teapot and thought about Alice's nightmare. A battle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running around and only a pepper grinder to use as a weapon. Walt Disney drops acid. Hope no video game developers hear about Alice's dream. Somebody will turn it into a boss battle. Some idiot.

Alice got up holding the ripped parts of dress together and walked over to the nearby house of her seamstress. About thirty seconds later I heard her scream. Up two sizes, not one. I called it a night and made my trip into the bushes. Some things just can't wait. Ya know?

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.

Version 2


End file.
